What Happens to the IT Professionals after Death

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1. PROGRAMMERS

2. NETWORKING EXPERT

3. HTML / XML EXPERT

 

People With Conflicting Names Getting Married

What would happen if two people with conflicting names got married?

What would Bo Derek be called if she married Don Ho? Bo Ho?

Well, here are a few more:

- If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

- If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

- If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.("Going up?")

- If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

- If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

- If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.("Sorry Ma'am, what was your name again?")

- If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.("Ouch!")

- If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

- If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

- If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.("Double Ouch!")

- If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.("This marriage wouldn't last!")

- How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

- If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

- Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.("He he")

- If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

- If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

- If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.("Sing along!")

Mumbai Local Train Rules

       While traveling by the Mumbai local trains.....ALWAYS REMEMBER....

   1) Never iron your shirt if you intend to travel during peak hours. 

            The packed train shall do the needful.    

       2) Thou shall buy a first class pass only if your company is paying for it.

       3) Else thou should be really rich with an annual income of at least Rs.10 lakhs 

            traveling by first class. Otherwise it is a public crime.

       4) Before getting off at a station always make sure to ask the person ahead of you, 

           "Uterega Kya?" This way you shall not feel left out.

      5) If you happen to be one of those few gazillion, who travel by train during peak

           hours, on a regular basis, do not spend money on gymnasiums or health 

          instructors. You will realize how effortlessly and in an innovative manner, 

         one can practice yoga while traveling.

      6) If you have already started practicing this innovative yoga, see to it that it 

           remains within the confinements of the train compartment. Try these steps 

          anywhere else and you'll soon get yourself locked up in mental asylum.

      7) Always push the person standing ahead of you. It is amusing when the person 

           ahead of you does not use a single word against you.

     8) In case you happen to sweat or if your nose starts twitching, rub the desired 

          body part on the clothes of the person standing closest to you. Your hands are 

         gonna be of no use to you at that time. 

     9) Make sure you are the tallest among those standing around you. It affects you 

          less when others have to bear the smell of your armpits.

    10) Avoid traveling in slippers or sandals. It is an accepted fact that someone 

            always climbs on to your foot.       

         Regards,

         Mumbai Dakka-Bukki Sanghatna

         Office address:

         8:45 am 12 Dabba Borivli Local

         6th Dabba from the Guard Side

         For exact location -- follow the sound of Bhajan!!!

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Funny Computer Errors

 

 

Divorce Cakes

Very Funny Divorce CAKES

Why MICROSOFT shouldn't make Cars!!!

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.'


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: 'If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car98' or 'CarXP.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

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Equations!!!!!

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:

Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy

Therefore:

Human - enjoy = Donkey + Work

In other words,

A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ ++ ++ 

Equation 2

Man = eat + sleep + earn money

Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:

Man = Donkey + earn money

Therefore:

Man - earn money = Donkey

In other words

Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ + 

Equation 3

Woman= eat + sleep + spend

Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:

Woman = Donkey + spend

Woman - spend = Donkey

In other words,

Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +

To Conclude:

From Equation 2 and Equation 3

Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend

So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!

And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!

So, We have:

Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

PLEASE IGNORE IF U R MARRIED.....

Learn Chinese in Minutes

English phrase	Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive?	Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.	Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man	Dum Gai
Small Horse	Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!	No Bai Dam Thing!
Did you go to the beach?	Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table	Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift	Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here	Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?	Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution	Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet	Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone	No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?	Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright	Yu So Dum
I got this for free	Ai No Pei
I am not guilty	Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer	Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week	Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived	Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight	Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile	Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive	Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink!	Hu Flung Dung?

Don't Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil..... Just when the clock struck 11...



and then......











then.....













then........



















Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and

unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner!!!!

Best Interview

One of the best interviews 4 INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!!

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele-Communication Engineering from Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it... What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money". (The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - Baban Rao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in math. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have u worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?


Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was just another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hot fixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality', 'version control', 'deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months’ assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to the company.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section 'Stress Management' in the HRD of a leading IT Firm.

Murphy's Laws

Murphy's First Law:

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Murphy's Second Law:

Everything takes longer than you think.

Murphy's Third Law:

In any field of endeavor, anything that can go

wrong will go wrong.

Murphy's Fourth Law:

If there is a possibility that several things

can go wrong, then the one that will cause the

greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy's Fifth Law:

If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will

anyway.

Murphy's Sixth Law:

If you perceive that there are four possible ways

in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent

these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will

promptly develop.

Murphy's Seventh Law:

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to

worse.

Murphy's Eighth Law:

If everything seems to be going well, you have

Obviously overlooked something.

Murphy's Ninth Law:

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Murphy's Tenth Law:

Mother Nature is a "son-of-a-gun."

Murphy's Eleventh Law:

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because

fools are so very ingenious.

Murphy's Twelfth Law:

Things get worse under pressure.

A few additions to Murphy's Laws ...

C01:

To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly

before you start.

C02:

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

C03:

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect

answer, try multiplying by the page number.

C04:

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream

and shout!

Life's Like That...

Before Marriage - - -

Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of course! Over and over!

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get!

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top

~~~~~~~~~~HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY~~~~~~~~~

INDIANS...

 

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
 
    A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
    
    B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
    
    C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
    
    D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
    
    E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
    
    F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
    
    G. 2 American men and 1 American woman
    
    H. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
 
    What a Crazy coincidence!
    
    One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
    
    A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
    
    B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
    
    C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
    
    D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
    
    E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
    
    F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
    
    G. The two American men are contemplating suicide.  The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
    
    H. What happened to the Indians????
 
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    The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman...

Our very own Mithun special

Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a movie. He watched a few Indian movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logics and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.In the movie of Mithun Chakravarthy, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:

1)  Mithunda has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Mithunda is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live Mithunda

2)  In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2 gangsters. Mithunda has a Gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he does......He holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters. Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue "Apun ka naam hai HIRA, Apun ne sabko Chiraa".

3)  Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolver but he got no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Mithunda opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies....

4)  This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely shaken and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a another Mithunda movie for one last time and thought that at least in one movie he will follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops not so fast. The climax finally arrives. Mithunda gets to know that the villain is on the the other side of a very high wall. So high that Mithunda can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Mithunda has to desperately kill the villain because its the climax. Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible..Mithunda suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall, he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead...

Year 2010...

 YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN 2010 WHEN................

 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is

 that they don't have e-mail addresses.

 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see

 if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of

 the screen.

 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have

 the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for

 panic and you turn around to go and get it.

 9. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your

 coffee.

 10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

        HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!