New HRD rules

TRANSPORTATION :

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wow! said 1 employee).

- They are called SUNDAYs.

LUNCH BREAK :

a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS :

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE :

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.

Important Note:

Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Best regards,

HRD

Terrifying Story

This happened about a month ago near Lonavala.

A guy was driving from Mumbai to Pune and decided not to take the new
expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and
when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from
nowhere.

Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to
get a lift to the nearest town. It's dark and raining. And pretty soon he's
wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rain is so
heavy he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next
to him - without thinking the guy opens the door and jumps in.

Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved
him - when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!!

Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine,
the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a
curve coming.

Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand
appears through the window and moves the wheel!

The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next
bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every
time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get
the car around each bend.

Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches
open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as
hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town.

He stumbles into a dhaba, and asks for a drink, and breaks down. Then he
starts talking about the horrible experience he's just been through.

There is dead silence in the dhaba when he stops talking .....

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.....and that's when Santa and Banta Singh walk into the dhaba. Santa
points and says "Look Banta - that's the weird guy who got into our car when we were pushing it"