Why We Live as Long as We Do...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing;
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

If Aamir Khan Did Not Make Taare Zameen Par?

If Aamir Khan Did Not Make Taare Zameen Par: A Movie Un-Review

I have a gut feeling that TZP would change people like no other movie has previously done. I know only Aamir can make a film like TZP. But let us assume he did not make it (dream on!). What would the film have been like-

• If Karan Johar made TZP

• Obvious starcast:
- Shah Rukh Khan as the arts teacher (duh duh duh!!).
- Aryan Khan as the dyslexic child (even if he could not act for nuts).
- Rani Mukerjee as the kid's mom (assuming Kajol is unavailable).
- Abhishek Bachchan as the kid's dad.
- Amitabh Bachchan as the school principal (who cares if the role is ultra minute, he can afford it).

SCRIPT:
• It would be shot in New York to appeal to the NRI audience.
• The story line would obviously be different. SRK would fall for the dyslexic kid's mom. The last scene would have the mom running to the teacher rather than the kid. And again, like in so many other movies, SRK would get someone else's girl.
• It would have one dance number.
• The film would be titled 'Kuch Taare Zameen Par.'

• If Sanjay Leela Bhansali made TZP

• Obvious starcast:
- Salman as the teacher.
- Rani as the mother.

SCRIPT:
• Of course the whole film would be shot on elaborate sets. The school would be nothing short of Harvard university.
• An orchestra would play every time anyone cried.
• Slow motion, different camera angles for every scene.
• The school uniforms would match the classroom walls even though that does not make a difference. The film would cost 60 crores.

• If Farah Khan made TZP

• Obvious starcast:
- SRK as the teacher (yawn).

SCRIPT:
• In the original TZP, Aamir makes an entry at the interval point. In Farah's version, SRK would be on screen on for 2.30 hrs out of the 2.45 hrs and would be introduced in the first scene itself.
• The story would be changed to make sure the above happened. The focus of the film would be a teacher who helps a kid fight dyslexia.
• To make it a complete entertainer, there would be a romantic angle, comedy, and action thrown in. Oh idea!! Nikumbh's character likes another teacher and the kiddo helps him.. throw in some comedy moments there and you have romance and comedy settled. For action.. hmm.. lemme see.. oh yah, the kid gets kidnapped and the teacher fights the baddies to save him. Wow!! I'm quite an imaginative writer. I can see how Farah can write a film from scratch in two weeks straight.
• The film posters would have a big SRK with the tiny image of the kid in the background.

• If Rakesh Roshan made TZP

• Obvious starcast:
- Hrithik Roshan as the teacher.
- Rehka as the Kid's Mother.
- Rakesh Roshan would do a special appearance as the Kid's Dad who gets killed by Aliens and hence the Kid's illness.

SCRIPT:
• Since Rakesh Roshan cannot think beyond science fiction these days, this film would have that too. Instead of dyslexia, the kid would have alienositis or something, a condition induced due to him witnessing an alien abduction.
• Instead of Nikumbh being an arts teacher, he would be a physics teacher, and instead of asking kids to be creative, he would ask them to challenge the science we know.
• In the scene where Nikumbh asks the kids to open their minds and make whatever they want outdoors, the kid Ishaan, instead of making a boat, would end up making a working spaceship prototype.
• Nikumbh would cure the kids problem by making a full fledged version of the kid's prototype, traveling to the alien planet, and asking them to give the kid his powers back..
• The film would have music by Rajesh Roshan ripped off from some world music.
• The film's name would again start with a K.. probably 'Kuch Aliens Taaron se Zameen Par'.
• The director would make sure Hrithik gets to show all his abilities. This would mean a scene with Roshan jr flexing his muscles, and a dance competition in the end, instead of an arts competition.

• If Priyadarshan made TZP

• Obvious starcast:
- Akshay Kumar as the teacher.
- Paresh Rawal as the Kid (Can't Believe it--).

SCRIPT:
• It would be a brainless comedy. The kid's dyslexia would be made fun of. Half the times the parents will be running after the kid from one room to the other and that, in the director's opinion, would be funny.
• The film will be full of adult jokes. So for example, when Akshay would come to the parents telling them that their son has dyslexia, the ignorant father would say something inappropriate like 'iss umar mein- par kaise, woh to hamesha boys school mein padha hai!'. And yes, the director would think it is funny.
• In the climax of the film all the characters in the film would run around in the amphitheater for no reason, spilling colors on each other. That's where the film will end, without any logical conclusion.
• And of course, Paresh Rawal would emote like an epileptic himself making us question the boy's mental abilities anyway.

And THAT is when the fight started!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.' .
And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...........

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started.............

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started................

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium
rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
" Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started.................

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A woman was standing, looking in the bedroom mirror. She
was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..........

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.. I told her the
beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started................

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her back look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday..
And then the fight started.......................

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started...................

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I
hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential down.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all
day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, the weather out there is terrible.' My
loving wife of 10 years replied 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ..........

Women's Words

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.