The Christmas Glasses

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

New Year New Beginning

Funny Directions To Follow

In case you need further proof the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on current consumer goods:

• On a Sear's hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

•  On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. "Details inside." (The shoplifter special)

• On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?)

• On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's "just" a suggestion)

• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down. (Too late!)

• On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating. (As night follows day)

• On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But, wouldn't this save me more time?)

• On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

• On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

• On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

• On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

• On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."(Talk about a news flash.)

• On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.

• On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

• On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

What are you doing Idiot!!

Funny Answering Machine Messages

• Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry – I have plenty of money.

• Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So, can you talk to it instead?

• Hi, I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?

• Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call you sooner.

• Hi! Tom’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

• Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they’ll get back to you.

• This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. Then I’ll think about returning your call.

• Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message and, if I don’t call you back, it’s you.

• Hi, this is George. I’m sorry that I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call back.

• Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.

• My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now but, if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

• Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right slowly. So leave a message and, when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.