Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

1."We will do it"
means
"You will do it"

2."You have done a great job"
means
"More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it"
means
"We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning"
means
"It’s not getting done - At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views"
means
"I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight mis-communication"
means
"We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss"
means
"I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it"
means
"We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension
of the deadline"
means
"The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "
means
"We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you"
means
"Anyway you have to find a way out,so no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier"
means
"Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason"
means
"Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,"
means
"Well you know..."

15."We are a team,"
means
"I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question"
means
"I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best"
means
"You are in trouble"

Meaning of Designations

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.

HR manager is a person who thinks that a donkey can deliver a human baby if given 9 months

Ratings Game for MEN

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

Named Rita (-4)

Rita is a dancer (-6)

Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-50000)

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And its all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Techno Terms Dictionary

THE TECHNO TERMS DICTIONARY Now for a few variations on familiar terms: STATE-OF-THE-ART Any computer you can't afford. OBSOLETE Any computer you own. MICROSECOND The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. SYNTAX ERROR Walking into a computer store and saying... 'Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.' HARD DRIVE The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error. GUI What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey') KEYBOARD The standard way to generate computer errors. MOUSE An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. FLOPPY The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. PORTABLE COMPUTER (laptops) A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. DISK CRASH A typical computer response to any critical deadline. POWER USER Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. SYSTEM UPDATE A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. 386 The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

Marketing concepts explained

A Professor at one of the IIM's (INDIA) was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:-

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
- That's Direct Marketing

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him."
- That's Advertising

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
- That's Telemarketing

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?"
- That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry me?"
- That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
- That's demand and supply gap

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him.
- That's competition eating into your market share

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives.
- That's restriction for entering new markets